As I went through this Holiday Season and now paying the price, I thought a lot about what lines did I cross or what did I do to much of that has wiped me out so much.
I have a family tradition with a collection of nutcrackers and the thought of getting them out of the closet, setting up only to take them down just made me tired just thinking of it. So this year they didn’t come out.
I didn’t bake cookies or candy this year, just did the basics, I purchased my gifts mostly online and early and wrapped up as they came in, so I wasn’t stressed, but I have to admit I did not add bows or spend a lot of time to decorate them.
I was adjusting to the cold weather and storms we were getting, which for those of us with chronic illness the weather changes can cause us to change in how we feel. We hadn’t gotten snow for several years, this year we are getting the snow and having really cold weather. Just going out side or a breeze from opening the door the air would burn the inside of my ears. Going into any store caused more drop attacks and that for me I have to recover from. More than normal, I think because the stores were busier, the sounds louder, the lines longer for me it was like the longest mission ever just to go to the store.
We had several deaths in our family that had caused stress, tears, heartbreak, one after another, The devastation of loosing people and the sympathy I shared with the family’s for them I didn’t realize how much this was taking out of me.
The excitement of seeing a family relative that I hadn’t seen in years. Due to family drama, only to be disappointed in the reunion because this person hadn’t changed and to see this person cause pain to other family members was more than I could handle. The emotional evening ended up in yelling, and arguing and fighting and I ended up in the bathroom, throwing up from my Vertigo and crying a lot of the evening, I tried to figure out why I was so upset, I am use to having my feelings hurt or seeing behavior I am not happy about, but I think when your sick, it takes so much energy to even go to a event, bring food, gifts ect and to have turmoil just devastated me.
I always believe people come in your life for a reason and leave for a reason, but I always have hope that the people that you know longer have a relationship will change, maybe realize how their attitude hurts people, You find out they are going through a hard time, so you happen to run into this person and reconnect and offer support only to receive rude words, negative comments and when I was leaving I thought to myself, Why do you, meaning myself always want to believe that people have changed or learned from loosing others that maybe her forward approach and hurtful words cause people to not want to be around her. But yet your there offering help despite the words and tone being received.
I really have been struggling with the all that happened through out the holidays and don’t care to repeat this past season again, but I also have learned I need to protect myself from the negativity of others, the hatred and rude people that really only care about themselves and hurt others to build themselves to a higher level.
When I was healthy, I could handle these situations, stand up for myself and walk away, now I feel I just don’t have the energy to protect myself anymore, so I have to make the decision to just stay out of these peoples life, even if they are having a hard time, I can’t believe people have changed, If I walked away from the relationship once there was a reason, and self centered people don’t change so I have to keep my fence up and protect myself.
So this holiday season has taught the new me, Keep my priorities clear, my boundaries clear and my fence up to the negative people that may or may not remain in my life. Protect my heart, because with a chronic illness, it seems to get hurt easier now and my heart to help is in the same place but I can’t have the gut punches any longer.
Another lesson learned.