I try to see the positive and beauty in everything, having a chronic illness doesn’t change that except it may inhibit the degree in which you see beauty on a really bad day. It also forces you to search for beauty when you just cant seem to get out of your bed, or function due to your illness, I couldn’t understand a acquaintance ability to see everything so dark, so miserable, so unhappy, so lonely, so angry, so bitter. There distrust in humans, and hatred towards all, it didn’t make sense to me, because this person had been blessed with wonderful gifts, no financial issues, no health issues, but also very alone. isolated in his own world of hatred. His pride and joy wasn’t anything I could have imagined, it was how weapons he had, how he could kill at any moment and the consequences, well that didn’t matter either, He would just take his own life.
So Here comes Kelly to the rescue, I want this person to see the gifts he has received, the beauty of the world. I knew I couldn’t force him to see through my eyes, but maybe I could lead him to see some beauty. He grew up with loving parents, a wonderful career, early retirement. And artistic.
We went out to lunch, which is not on common for me to do with people from my support groups, we were in line and I saw a beautiful women who was elderly and had had a stroke, I went to get her chair to sit, it was obvious she was frail. So I went got her a chair. My acquaintance was appalled, couldn’t believe I would go out of my way to help a stranger, while she couldn’t speak, her smile said it all.
As we were eating the waitress accidently spilled melted butter on this persons lap, apologized but walked away. I could see the rage in his eyes, He called her every name in the book. He also has taken a concealed weapons license to another level and carry’s a gun one on each side. and will avoid any place that doesn’t allow guns. It was just for protection, so he said. I went to get a wet cloth to help him with his jean because he was going to continue getting angrier. That wasn’t enough, he wanted her in trouble, fired, anything to make her pay for her accident, so I went to the manager to try to calm the situation and told him what had happened, but also was clear this was a accident. The manager came over and apologized and took a percentage off the bill.
As we were sitting on the water, beautiful weather, beautiful views, I mention the same lady and her son having and a desert and how sweet that was, just to see a son and mom sharing a desert. He thought I was nuts. I got up walked over to the table and said to them, How beautiful it was to see her and her son enjoying time together and sharing a desert. It was her sons 40th Birthday. Now she post stroke 8 years and can not speak, so they communicate through text on their phones. But you could see the love that her son had for her and how special this moment was for him for he wasn’t sure how long she would be here. We chatted for a few minutes and she would text me on her phone and I would read it. She thanked for the chair and coming to the table and told me I was beautiful. Well, I don’t know about that part, my acquaintance refused to come to the table and she pointing to him, her son said some times she thinks she knows people or remembers them. He refused. I wished him a happy birthday and I went back t my own table. He told me I was going to get myself killed that way, although I know people would maybe think it was strange that I try to make people smile, they was at no time a danger to myself or anyone for that matter.
I asked him to breath the fresh air, pointed out beautiful flowers, the uniqueness of the restaurant, he was still hung up on the butter on his pants, $20.00 Kirkland brand, not like a rare French jean that cost hundreds of dollars, they offered to dry clean them, they went their way to make it right but that enough. I told him how beautiful that mother and son were, again he thought I was crazy. So I closed my eyes and I envisioned, life through his eyes, every flower un noticed, the smell of the water gone, the breeze disappeared, this couple wasn’t there, I pictured everything black and grey and thinking of being afraid of everyone, because they are all out to get you, cause you harm. He had every name for every nationality. They were taking the world and he could protect himself by never leaving his home.
I opened my eyes and the beauty was back, his world made me sad, sad for him, scared for him, no joy, no friends, no life, and it’s all been created by himself. My last statement to him with tears my eyes, I said “I can’t imagine living the way you do, I have tried to be your friend, tried to help you see beauty, appreciate your life, your gifts and you still choose to see the world in darkness. I choose to see the beauty, Sure I have been dealt some yucky cards, and there are times where I have cried myself to sleep from pain in my legs, but I still in my dreams see beauty and when I am awake I see beauty and that’s a choice, I see beauty in everything, every little child, every flower, I see beauty in senior citizens and their knowledge and what there gifts are, We all have a gift and that our purpose, but you will not see let alone share your gift because you to busy being bitter and angry.
He turned on me, his eyes changed color to black , I had never experienced that in my life, it was like another person inside, ready to crack, explode over what??? Butter??? and he began to yell at me in a voice that not his, he reminded me of Jack Nicolson in the Shinning.telling me the world was after him, he had nothing to loosed if he had to shoot them. I got up from the table and said “I have tried to help you” But you don’t want it, you like the world you live in, your safe there. You will spend the remaining years of your life alone and it wasn’t the world that did this to you, it was you that created this world. ” I can’t help you” “I cant be your friend” I tried and I am sorry if I failed you. “But you are unhealthy for me” and now You have scared me, like never before. I had never felt that fear and I think it was the guns that gave me that fear and his change in personality, so quickly, so scary.
So to me lesson learned, I can’t fix everyone, nor is it my job, my energy needs to be spent on my own health and helping people that wanted to be helped. He looked at me with hatred and his black eyes and I walked away.
I also have to the thought of what he might do to himself or someone else because It’s not my job! I will never hear or fear from him again, that’s ok, I know I tried to help him. I also did what I needed to do to get out of that situation and to try to protect society.