Diagnosis anniversary

As I enter 51 in 1 day, I reflect on the past year and how little has helped me with my disease, Its scary when you finally have a diagnosis and waiting on insurance. When you are in chronic pain, chronic illness there are days when you are so tired, you just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I feel like the boy in the bubble, I have to be careful in knowing I can drive that day, medicines! I want to throw them all in the garbage, go on strike on Doctors, hospitals and curl up in a ball and just cry! it’s a year that I was diagnosed, but then another creeped up on me, but the pain is so much worse, I know in my heart the longer it takes to get the insurance to approve my treatment, I am so desperate I told them, If you want me to be in the hospital, I take it, anything to get me going. The pain is unbearable. They are going to give me injections in my legs, I don’t even know if this will work. Keep positive everyone says, eat this, eat that, try this and although I know its out of the goodness of there heart, It sends me to the moon. My gosh If I just ate a certain food I would be curried, Really? I find my peace in meditation and guided imagery. When I feel a attack coming on I immediately lay down, go somewhere in my mind. Practice, it didn’t come easy, helping others helps me, makes me feel like I still have a purpose. I know I can beat this!!!! I am one to not give up. So I have to promise next year at 52 I will have had my treatment, feeling better, maybe not perfect but right now who is perfect. I don’t care if they want me in St Louis at Washington university or NIH, frankly I don’t care where they treat me, Just getter done. And pay my veins don’t collapse, because I will be in the hospital. I guess I am just rambling, I didn’t realize the anniversary up ahead. What do I want for my Birthday, I want my treatment! I want my son to have a healthy baby. I can’t eat sugar or really eat right now, but my GI wants me eating protein shakes, so I will look one with low sugar. I really don’t miss it. I don’t miss food anymore. My taste is gone and that is common when your autonomic system isn’t working right. So At least I know everything now I am going through is normal. For not so normal person.

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